Pensive

My pensive mood continues. I have been thinking about anything and everything over the past few days. Is that a "girl" thing? Do only girls do this/ Are we the only ones who pause and reminisce and contemplate and ponder about everything we do and what is going on around us? Surely the male species do as well. Surely they have days when all tehy do is think.

Dating. What does it mean? What does a date consist of? Is it hte proverbial "dinner-and-a-movie" or is it anything done alone with a memeber of the opposite sex? Does a date mean anything? Does it mean the guy wants to go out with the girl or does it mean that the girl wants to go out with the guy after one date? Does it mean marriage? No, I don't think so. But so many people seem to view it this way.

And like one of my good friends says, dating isn't like buying shampoo -- one is dealing with people and their precious hearts. One doesn't go through guys like the shampoos on the clearance rack and if one doesn't like a certain brand, tossing it out. Dating shouldn't be like that. But there also should not be all this pressure on dating. There shouldn't be teh pressure of pairing those two individuals together after one date and already talking about marriage. That's ridiculous.

But what about me? I think I view dating as I view driving a stick shift car. I would really love to do it. It seems a really neat, fun thing to do. But I'm so scared of putting myself at risk. I don't want to make myself vulnerable. And everytime I get up the nerve to try, I kill the engine or the opportunity.

Another friend of mine was talking to me about this. She told me that teh way I carried myself seemed to say "I'm too good foryou." Not in so many words, but that seemed to be my attitude. That I was smarter than everyone else and more talented. And she said sometimes she wondered if I would ever find anyone good enough.

And I don't want to come across like that. I'm not sure if that was just her view or everyone else's as well. And it hurt. But do I? Is that the way I am?

But I don't want to lower my standards. I don't want to accept anything. I don't want to date trash. I want a good boyfriend and a good marriage and a good life. I have seen so many people make mistakes in their marriages and come to such awful grief over it. And I don't want to end up like that. I want to be happy.

So what's the solution? What do I do? How do I banish my "smarter-and-more-talented-than-thou" aroma I give off? How can I just have fun?