guide me

There are so many opportunities around me.
So many doors opened
And windows cracked.
Sometimes it's hard to know where to turn,
When to jump,
How to land.
What's wrong?
What's right?
Is there an in-between?
Can I have everything?
Or close?
Guide me,
O Thou Great Jehovah.

why

It's so hard sometimes to want things
And have to wait.
To see others with that very thing.
Why does everything come easily?
Why do they take everything for granted?
Why can I not have that?
Why?
I don't have a car. . .
Not enough money
I can't play soccer or run this weekend. . .
I hurt my knee
I don't have a boyfriend. . .
The one I want hasn't asked. . .
And I'm half-scared he will. . .

But don't I have a house?
Food? Clothes?
Don't I have a healthy body?
Can't I walk? See? Hear? Breathe?
Don't I have so many friends?

Patience, child, patience.

Generation Gap

There is an enormous generation gap at church. We have plenty of old grannies, the kind who pat your hand for ten minutes, shaking, and tell you what a beautiful little girl you are. And you have given up long ago trying to argue with them . . . about being a little girl . . . about being beautiful . . . about being sweet. . . they always win
Then there are suddenly lots of young married couples, fresh out of college.
And of course there are the college kids themselves.
But there are no "baby-boomers" per-say. None of the middle-aged people, who would have children my age. There's one -- possibly two -- couples with children five or so years younger than I. But there's only so much conversation one can have with a seventh grader.
And so I'm faced with
a. not having any friends
b. not having any friends my age
And of course, any sane person would pick the latter. But there's only so much that I can relate to with those grannies.
And I wonder. With those college kids. If I were in their place, would I want to be friends with some silly sixteen-year-old?

groggy blahness

some mornings i wake up and i just can't get going. is there a way to jumpstart a person? i can't stand coffee so that won't work. and i'm not allowed carbonated beverages so i can't even drink a coke for the caffeine. and so i just drag throughout the day, never quite waking up to be myself. To function. To carry out daily tasks. To laugh and think and talk. all i feel is groggy blahness.

changing friends

Friends
stretch out
in all directions
new and old
the minor acquaintance, lab partners in chemistry kind
and the kind that i run next to, both of us with lungs bursting
and then those that
i can actually have a real conversation with
there is some sort of connection
communication
a sense of humor
some glimmer of intelligence
not often found in a high school
and sometimes they are a wonderful cushion
all comfort and safety and giggles --
at least for the girls
but then there are moments
moments
when they drift
even the closest
and move towards others
am i losing you?
how did i miss you?
why?
why this expanse of
emptiness
between us?
why the awkward pauses?
how could silence once have been rich
with the warmth of our friendship
and now
only uncomfortable?
what happened?
have you changed?
or is it me?
have i been the one
to change
to grow
to stretch

towards another horizon?