To Do lIst

In no particular order....
* write a book
* get married
* take more time to spend outside in God's green earth
* get more sleep
* travel
* take a road trip
* go hiking
* read more
* spend more time with my family
* visit my grandparents in Zim again
* have children
* read to small children
* go to a museum
* visit a zoo or an aquarium
* cook more

There. That's my little selfish quota of the day. I do like to dream a little sometimes...

Seeing through more than "kiddie" eyes

Family is a funny thing.

Our reunions are filled with secrets and tears, with shared traits and laughter, with too much good food and too little time.

It’s a blessing, I think, to go to a place with none of the outside world near. “Isolation” is whispered by the trees that cluster along three and a half miles of gravel road. We’re the only people here and we’ve got no internet – and no phone service for At&t customers. A recent and nearby Verizon tower does not leave us utterly technology desolate.

Therefore, we have no default internet to run to. One is forced to demise some other way to pass the time – perhaps conversation?

Family. These are the people we love – the people you can fight with and gripe with. You cry in the kitchen together, clinging tightly to each other – the only tangible thread of hope and of God that can be found sometimes.

You talk in hushed and hot whispers of your heartaches. Reflief is found only in a thin straw of a second chance.

You realize that you never knew the half of it before – you never realized the craggy rifts carved up – the loneliness, the hurt. You never realized what your child eyes had hidden.

You also realize how easily you can love a child. Hot breath on my cheek and h heavy head on my shoulder. Sweet, soft hands tugging on shirts, grasping a finger to climb the stairs.

My heart aches for all that could be but is not.

Yet… Gratitude resonates in my bones – God has blessed us with so much. Slow afternoons filled with relaxation and good conversations, evenings with singing – with interspersed “kiddie” songs (where the adults sing louder than the children even!). The The richness fo sharing a talbe, of holding hands to pray, of the gentle hand of Grandpa on your shoulder. The bittersweetness of remembering Grandma – through photographs and shared memories – and of teaching her name to little ones who never knew her. Knowing that she looks down on us along with our loving Father. Knowing that both she and we are safe in the arms of Jesus.”

Seeing the Beauty of the Whole

We were driving slowly but it was still a breath-taking surprise.  Stretching from one end of the house to the other was a vibrant mass of orange flowers.  God's masterpiece was stunning.

That morning we'd walked by those same flowers - not so beautiful then.  We were close enough to see the dead ones, the wilted ones, the ones with only half the petals - all the flaws were starkly apparent.  We could not see the beauty of the whole.

Of course, they were the same flowers - but when viewed as a whole, one could not help but marvel at their beauty.  The flaws were masked.

Perhaps the church is similar.  Sometimes we are too close to people and their flaws to notice that as a whole, we represent the precious and beautiful body of Christ.  

"for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body." (Ephesians 5:29-30, emphasis added)

So when you look at your brothers and sisters in Christ, tempted to concentrate on their faults and dead attitudes, take a step back and look.  Can you see the beauty of Christ's body altogether?

Fighting Techniques

In the 8^th grade, I could not even bench press the bar, and I’m not sure that I can even now.  I am by no means physically imposing.  The thought of fighting has never crossed my mind.  And I certainly cannot see myself as a warrior.

 

In short, I have a lot of trouble relating to David and his fighting psalms.  Or at least, that’s what I thought.

 

In reality, we do have a common enemy.   He schemes and lays traps.  He fights both blatantly and stealthily.  He is, in fact, the oldest warrior in the world.

 

His name is Satan.

 

Psalm 18:37-42 depicts David’s triumph over his enemies.  It is graphic and descriptive and emphasizes complete eradication of those enemies.

Sounds a lot like what we need to do to sin.

 

To Develop some of David’s Fighting Techniques

1. Pursue the enemy (v37)

“I pursued my enemies and overtook them,

And I did not turn back until they were consumed.”

A necessary part of any Christian’s life is self-examination.  In order to take out the plank in your eye, you’ve got to take a look at yourself and realize that the plank is there.  In order to be able to eat the “meat” of God’s word, you’ve got to develop (which implies the need for improvement… you were not perfect to begin with).

So, there is a need to find that sin in your life. 

 

2. Don’t turn back until it is consumed (v37)

“I pursued my enemies and overtook them,

And I did not turn back until they were consumed.”

We all realize that Satan is persistent – even more so than your pestering little brother. 

He works all the time to capture us – remember the roaring lion prowling around seeking to devour us?  That’s not just on the weekends.

If we want sin and Satan out of our lives, we have to be just as stubborn.  This isn’t just a once-over.  Getting rid of sin is a steady and determined process that takes a lot of pigheadedness.

 

3. Shatter sin so that it cannot stand (v38)

“I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;

         They fell under my feet.”

Amos 7:7-8 talks about God holding a plumb line up to Israel.  What’s the point of a plumb line?  To show that something won’t stand up or is not straight – it’s crooked or ill-formed in some way. 
What better way to shatter sin – to cut the feet out from under it – than to hold it up next to the straight truth of God’s word?

4. Allow God to gird you for battle (v39)

“For You have girded me with strength for battle;

         You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.”

Are you aware that there’s a spiritual war?  Are you aware of the need to protect yourself?  God is.  He’s provided armor for you.  It’s especially designed to confront the wiles of the devil. 

Right now – are you fighting this spiritual battle or are you succumbing apathetically to Satan?

 

5. Get God to fight for you (v39-40)

“You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.

    40You have also made my enemies turn their backs to me,

         And I destroyed those who hated me.”

God is the one who tips the balance when you face the nine-foot giant.  He is the one to change your widowed life completely by placing you in Boaz’s field.  He is the one who brings your brother back to life after three days of wrenching agony.

Surely, he can help me in my struggle with sin.

 

6. Cry out so that God can hear you (v41)

“They cried for help, but there was none to save,

         Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.”

1 Peter 3:12 says that the Lord’s eyes “are toward the righteous” and that “his ears attend to their prayer.”  He listens if you’re in the right place. 

If He doesn’t hear you… who’s the one who moved?

7. Empty the sin out of your life (v43)

“Then I beat them fine as the dust before the wind;

         I emptied them out as the mire of the streets.”

Sin is not like wine or cheese.  It does not get better when aged.  It does not improve if you keep it in the closet.  You don’t ever want to be that jean size again.  Shake that sin and all its traces out of your life.  It doesn’t belong there.  It’s like dust that needs to be beaten out of a carpet.

David fought many battles – both physically and spiritually.  He was armed by His God and triumphed.

Are you ready to fight sin?

            

Emily

Her feet patter.

She runs with the others.

Her hair escapes her little braid -

It frames her face

Emily, little jewel

Please don't be fooled.

The world is a big and ugly place.

Stay here.  Be warm by the fire 

of your mother's love.

I watch her chatter.

Her hands paint pictures in the air

She pauses - smiles

Laughs aloud with her little girl laugh

Emily, little jewel

please don't be fooled.

The world wants you soiled, unkempt

Stay here.  Be warm by the fire 

of your mother's love.

One day she shatters

Because of a matter

of friends that were never quite friends.

Oh, Emily come back.

Cry on my shoulder

Oh Emily, little jewel

Please don't be fooled

You've fallen back into my arms.

Stay here.  Be warm by the fire

of your mother's love.

Stay here.  Be warm by the fire

of love that never dies.

A Hammer and (Railroad) Spike

A Hammer and Spike

What is this to you?  What does it mean?  What does it say?  Can you use it?  Is it helpful?

Think not in a general but rather in a personal way.  You Kristen.  Can you use it?

Over 3000 years ago,  a woman used a peg much like this to triumph over an entire nation.  talk about using what was at hand.  Imagine the day – air filled with the tension and muted sounds of battle and blood and death.  The enemy king rides into your camp.  Your hands tremble.  Do you have the nerve to do what is right?  Do you have the tools?

Judges 4:17-23

Funny how being resourceful ended up being exactly what God intended.

Resourceful is a word not found in the Bible.  It is, however, an attribute to be found in many of the Bible’s characters.

Resourceful = having the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties.

Let’s take a look at what Proverbs 31 shows about being resourceful.

Proverbs 31:14

14She is like merchant ships;
 

She brings her food from afar.

From this passage, we can see a bit of the resourceful woman.  Even though she is right here, the variety she is able to come up with (in her food) is like a foreign merchant ship.  She is “resourceful.”

Have any of you ever been in need (or want) of something – and you didn’t have the means to get it? 

It’s Saturday night and fellowship lunch is tomorrow.  You’ve got only enough gas to get to church tomorrow.  It’s already 9:30, which means that everywhere in Henderson is closed…

Perhaps you had a bit of oats, raisins, and chocolate chips – so you threw them all into the cookies dough at once.  Perhaps you freeze old bananas to make banana bread.  Old bread for bread pudding.  You’re being… resourceful. 

My Aunt Charlotte is famous for her moist, delectable, basically to-die-for zucchini bread.  What most people don’t realize: she bakes a bunch of them all at once and freezes them.  When someone passes away or if she’s visiting a new member or a visitor, she can pop one out of the freezer to defrost overnight.

Sometimes you have to come up with creative solutions for food necessities.

But the resourceful woman is not contained to the kitchen.

Matthew 25:14-30

What did the two good slaves do?  Invest their money?  Set up small businesses?  Trade in cattle?

We don’t know. 

We do know that the one who unimaginatively buried his talent in the ground was the one who did the wrong thing.

I’m not saying that we need to use imagination with God’s word.  I’m not saying we need to make up and create his commands and expectations for us. 

What I’m saying is that we can be creative and helpful with what God has given us – and how we use it – for ourselves, for others, for Him.

Exodus 2:1-10

Place yourself in Jochabed’s place.  You’ve given birth to a beautiful baby boy.  You can hardly rejoice because you realize that Pharaoh wants nothing but to kill your baby.  You can’t run away.  You can’t hide a child.  You can’t drop the child on someone else’s doorstep.  They have the same problem.  You can’t discuss the situation with Pharaoh.

She takes what she has – a basket – and she waterproofs it with the pitch (I don’t suppose there were specialty baskets designed for sending your child downriver).  She uses what’s at hand for the only option she sees.  She proceeds to hand the entire situation over to…. God.

Sometimes being resourceful means finding the means to give your life and your troubles over to God.

Genesis 3:6-8

Being resourceful only works when you’re following Godly guidelines.

It doesn’t work so well when trying to escape punishment or commands.  Eve wasn’t being resourceful.  She was trying to cover up her own mistakes.

But back to Jael and Jochabed and the men with several talents.  How we can you and I be as resourceful as they?

Ephesians 5:15-16

15Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

 16making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

1 Timothy 6:7-8

7For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either.

 8If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.

Romans 12:13

13contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.

Do we notice the needs of those around us?  Do we see that Joanna needs a new microwave or that Brittany needs new socks?  Do we notice small acts of kindness we can do for others? 

Perhaps you can find another woman struggling financially that has the same size shoe.  Perhaps if you don’t have the sort of house for hospitality you can couple with another friend – get together a potluck of sorts – invite the elders over or a visitor from church.

Being resourceful is finding ways you can serve God with what you have – you’ve got your hands and your mind, right?  Many of you have a car.  Use it to take a friend to church or an older person out to lunch or to the supermarket or the doctor’s.  How are you using the blessings that God has given you to find creative and imaginative solutions for God’s work – helping others and bringing others to Christ?

A familiar homesickness

It's a familiar feeling.  Moist, hot air - a stillness that can be felt.  

The lull before the thunderstorm.  

I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach.  Can you really call this homesickness?  Or is it just an overactive imagination?

I want that flat overlooking Christmas Pass.  I want to watch Samongo monkeys stealing fruit from the trees.  I want to breathe the nectar of African air, sweat and dust and smoke mingling.  

I will have a little Datsund with a manual drive that sometimes stubbornly refuses to start.  I have to park it facing downhill to jumpstart it.  

I'll have a cat that lurks on my verandah for scraps and will come cuddle on cold nights - but will disappear for days during summer, proudly presenting me with his catch - a mutape, perhaps.

I will have a gas stove because sometimes the electricity will go out - although not as much as it used to.  Things are improving.  Mugabe is dead.

I will teach at the primary school in Mutare.  My students are black and Indian, colored and Chinese, white and Portuguese.  They look at me with wide eyes.

Who expects a slender redhead in the middle of Africa?

And I will go to ladies' class every Thursday afternoon.  I will teach Sunday morning Bible class.  I will have colored construction paper from America.  The children will marvel but will also remember my stories.  

I will have learned Shona by that time and be able to converse easily and teach in it as well.

I don't know what to feel.

I don't know why I cry.  

I am a tree, beaten by the rain.

The rain becomes tears

The rain heals the ground

I don't know the future.  

Only God does.

I trust in His providence.

I trust that He will take care of me.

I do not need to know more than that.

Hurt

Words crashed against my skin as relentless and degrading as waves on a beach.

Salty tears tore my insdies but I found no escape.

I bottled myself inside, tucking away my secret message of hurt.

A gull cried, dragging its wings against the sodden sky.

I didn't know if the clouds were soaked with rain or with my tears

written 16 may 2008

Truly

I ache for you
Somewhere deep inside emotion stirs.
Never felt
I ache
Because I cannot hold you.
I cannot even tell you.
It's not right,
Kind,
Fair.
I have failed
You.
so many times.
I never want to again.
Turnign my face away.
Is it for the best?
Yes, I know it is.
My heart screams,
Torn asunder,
I am in agony.
BUt I must learn
To wear a mask
To Build My faith on
My Father
Not on your love.
I must learn to love you
As I ought.
To hurt you less,
To be less selfish.

If I come back,
then I can.
I will be
Completely
Utterly.

Yours

Defining the Problem
By Wendy Cope

I can't forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

When You Are Old
By W.B. Yeats

When you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved you beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in yuo,
And lvoed the sorrows of yuor changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how loved fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Confusion

I am standing in the middle
of Somewhere.
I don't know where I am.
I don't know what to do.
What am I feeling?
Is this right?
Am I wrong?
What are You trying to tell me?
What is he trying to tell me?
I'm so confused.
I have no one to guide me.
Do I need to worry?
Is this really important?
Look at the beauty around me.
Of people and trees and skies.
Of children and hills and breezes.
And still I yearn for an answer.
I want to know.
I want to hold something solid within my hands.
I want confidence.
Confidence.
Trust.
That I will be happy.

Cleansed

Bone tired exhausted
The good kind of tired
That makes you sleep hard
And wake up hungry.

I laid everything out on the court
Tonight
I'm not good
Just mediocre
But that doesn't matter
What matters is
Breath, Fast hot, hard
Sweat, trickling, beading on my lip
Body, moving, pounding, jumping, running, stretching
Exertion
is a good thing.

It's good to lose myself
Immersed
In this one moment
Not caring about homework
Impressing guys
Listening to friends' problems
Worrying about kids in Bible class
Just giving everything within me
A Chance
to just

let go

Headache

Blah
is the mood I feel right now.
Stay here in my little shell,
I am a little green turtle,
happily hidden away,
sheltered from everything.
I am an island,
Glad in my solitude,
Strong in my independence,
Learning to sparkle once again from my own means.
Sometimes I wish for other things,
Sometimes I wish for a change,
I long for new things
Yet I want to remain here
Safe in my ostracization.

Am I ready to wander away again?
Strong enough to venture out,
Alone.
Vulnerable.
Without my shell.

And that is why my head aches.
So there.

Weddings

Weddings. They're so beautiful. Things are just beginning -- a new flower just budding, filled with hope, potential, dreams, joy. There are new memories to be woven, new joys to be found. And that joy is so catching. Have you ever noticed how people cry at weddings though? Tears to show teh hurt that this change will have to bring.

I want a wedding. I want a simple, flowing white dress that's half-way decent, unlike lots of dresses now. I want to walk down a flower strewn pathway with shadowed with graceful, bending trees, maybe weeping willows. I want all the friends and family I love to be there, to share my joy. And I want to have that special friend to share my life with, to build a home with, to encourage, to be encouraged, to laugh with, to read and study with, to be with, to hold hands with. In some ways I can't wait.

And in some ways, I don't want any of it for a long, long time. Maybe I'll go back to that "boys are icky" philosophy like I had back in kindergarten. . .

Dreams

So I had two really weird dreams last night.

One was about Dustin (boy at school) and I had been chosen as top students or something to enter this contest. And I won. The entire thing (nationally and all). And there was this huge encyclopedia on my desk open to this 3 page article. . . all about me. Except there wasn't really a lot of truth to it, which was rather disappointing. It was entitled something like Mid-Century American or something. And then I was called to the office. and everything in the dream was in browns and khakis (sort of like a brown black and white).

And then there was another really weird dream. I dreamed that Robert Elliot and I were going out, which was really strange. Of course, he's a little strange. We were walking around talking about some weird African custom he had been reading about when he suddenly reached out and grabbed my hand. And he just went on talking, as if nothing had happened (which would be very much Robert). And then randomly he began to tickle me. Maybe he'd been talking to Chris. Who knows. Anyway, he met up with me at the front office of the second dream (this dream came first and then the encyclopedia dream).

Ostriches and Fruit Cake

Sometimes I hate communication. I want to avoid some things, some problems like last year's fruit cake. I want to be an ostrich. Sticking my head in the sand could work, at least for a little while. . .

ok maybe, not. But it was a thought

Change

Change.
It's hurtful.
Happy.
Good.
Strange.
New.
Exciting.
Frightening.
Exhausting.
Trecherous.

Inevitable.

And I'm just going to have to accept that fact.

Sometimes I wonder if I've done the right thing. I wonder if my heart can ache so badly if what I've done is for the best. I did not know I had so many tears inside of me. Even after I thought I'd stopped, more still came. From where? Where does my body store them? How? It's not as if I have a lot of excess fat in which to keep extra tears. . . My head says I've done the right thing. My heart still questions. My heart still doubts. But since when have feelings been reliable?

never never land

sometimes i get so confused. why does my life have to be this complicated? i want to go back to being a kid -- playing at recess and having 20 minutes of homework. wasn't life easier then? wasn't it more fun? i don't htink i even knew the meaning of the word stress! sometimes i really do wish for that. but then i also realize that i can enjoy life on a deeper level now, i can develop richer, more meaningful friendships and learn so much more with my more complicated life. but sometimes, sometimes, i'd like to visit never never land again.

Elation

I am elated. I am on top of the world. . . or at least I'm on the top of my world. My schedule is falling into place, I've done my homework and my studying. I no longer feel the weight of pressing assignments on my chest. I can breathe -- free and easy once again. How wonderful life is some nights!